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I can't speak either on what type of tests they did, or how effective those tests are or are not, other than they had me do numerous things while a machine was connected to the battery, including rev the engine, turn on the AC, turn on the high beams. It was the most in-depth test I've had done on it yet. I had it tested once a week ago or so at another store and the guy just hooked his machine up to the battery, pressed a couple of buttons, and it spat out a piece of paper saying the battery needed charged. Problem there is I've tried to charge it, and it won't take a charge.

I'll check out the negative battery cable info you provided. That may be what it is. At this point I'll take any lead!
You have the classic signs of a compromised battery.

Let me echo the words of my learned colleagues:

Replace battery immediately. If you're still covered by the three/36 bumper-to-bumper then this is done at no charge by your dealership.

If not expect to pay ~$200 for a quality battery. Plus install.

Furthermore, the advice on using a booster cable to jump the ground cable was spot on.

The midtronics battery testing machine that is required dealer equipment is one **** of a unit but way too costly for a shop that doesn't specialize in batteries.
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